When Honesty is NOT the Best Policy

Of course, I always promote honest and open communication in every relationship, especially the one you have with your committed, loving partner. That said, you may be surprised to find me promoting the idea that honesty is not always the best policy when it comes to the bedroom, and I’ll explain why.

When Honesty IS Necessary in the Bedroom

If you want to enjoy your best possible sex with your partner, YES, you should be honest about your needs and boundaries. For example, “I need more clitoral stimulation, Baby.” or “Anal sex is a hard no for me.”

When talking with your partner about their body, you can always be honest without being cruel. For example, if your partner’s penis is smaller than what you may find most aesthetically pleasing, but you do enjoy how it makes you feel, then be honest by complementing what you do like instead of what you don’t like — especially because bodies are not easily changed. Rather than lying and saying, “You’re so huge!” [they know their penis isn’t huge and they’ll know you’re not being honest], say something true like, ‘I love the way your [your word for his penis] makes me feel.” Focus on what you like and enjoy about their body, not what you find lacking.

Young couple holding broken heart against grey background

When Honesty is NOT Necessary in the Bedroom

The simple truth is that honesty is almost always necessary in the bedroom. It will be up to you and your partner to decide if you want to be completely transparent about your past relationships. If you have had a non-recurring STI, experimented with same-sex coitus, or been with multiple partners, you and your partner may want to keep “the past” in the past. But your current relationship with each other should be open, but not every single detail needs to be shared. One example could be that you had really passionate sex with a previous lover; frankly, better than the sex you are currently having with your loved one. Keep it to yourself. You don’t need to share the down and dirty details with the loving partner now in your life. Rather, suggest ramping up the passion with new positions or techniques. Here’s another example: you have a sex dream about their best friend. There’s no need to share this, especially if you know it will hurt them. You aren’t morally responsible for your dreams. Of course, if you’re consciously and seriously considering having sex with their best friend, you need to re-evaluate your relationship and would do well to speak with a licensed couples counselor or therapist.